Shut the fuck up. We religious people do realize how ridiculous our beliefs can seem to others. Others who have not experienced the personal joy that those beliefs can bring and instead choose to pick on those who have. There are very few people who take the Bible literally, down to the letter. Yes, even religious fundamentalists. I personally think it’s pretty crazy to not question one’s existence whatsoever. The difference between you and me is that I am not projecting these beliefs into a film showing only the extremes of atheism while inviting others to laugh at atheists simply for their beliefs.
In conclusion, kindly go fuck yourself.
Yours truly,
Jacob Moore

(Sorry for all the retarded horses, I promise next time I’ll have some gigantic crap for you)

I have a rule about reading his reviews. Basically, whenever he says something that loosely translates to “It’s good because it’s anti-American”, I stop reading. To this date I have not finished the reviews of No Country for Old Men or There Will Be Blood. I almost made it to the end of the Cloverfield review, but then I had to add another rule: if he says something roughly translating to “It would be better with a pinch of anti-Americanism”, I stop reading. Let’s look at a few now.

For Operation Filmmaker:

“This gut punch of a documentary will knock you for a loop. File it under “no good deed goes unpunished.” When actor Liev Schreiber saw an MTV interview with Muthana Mohmed, 25, a Baghdad film student whose school had just been destroyed by a U.S. bomb…”

Okay, fair enough. It’s a documentary after all, and by no means is the U.S. perfect. But it’s not as if it was a calculated bombing of educational facilities. Also, it doesn’t really seem like a central point in the movie.

For No Country For Old Men:

“…the film — a new career peak for the Coen brothers, who share writing and directing credits — is a literate meditation (scary words for the Transformers crowd [forgot the ctrl-I, eh, Petey?]) on America’s bloodlust for the easy fix.”

It’s a movie about a drug deal. I saw this movie, and can safely say that, while creepy and disturbing as Hell, it is by no means innovative, satisfying, or even that good. But it shows Americans acting not-so-nice, so that’s good enough for ol’ Pete here to give four stars and call it the year’s best.

For Visitor:

“If I told you The Visitor reamed out our government for its shameful treatment of illegal immigrants, you’d say, ‘stop preaching.’”

Actually, I’d say “stop bashing my country, and the government’s actions toward illegal immigrants are perfectly justified under the law.” Deportation isn’t even a punishment, it’s the undoing of a crime.

How about American Gangster? Denzel Washington is my all time favorite actor, and this movie was among last year’s best. He gave it 3.5 stars. Am I finally going to agree with TIPT (That Insurgent Peter Travers)?
“No wonder Frank believes in America: The corporate lifestyle of lie-cheat-steal-kill works for him.”

If you can’t see what’s wrong here, then you’re most likely a member of al-Quaida. It was at this point that I decided once and for all that I will not properly cite these reviews, as Travers clearly has a less-than-favorable view of capitalism. Art belongs to the masses, right, comrade? And by “art” I of course mean “Marxist spew”.

Up until a point, this can almost be excused. Maybe a kid in an American flag t-shirt once stole lil’ TIPTy’s lunch money. But I think this Cloverfield review is the icing on a very socialist, America-hating terrorist cake:

“I’m not ready to concede that it’s impossible to make a monster movie with a meaning that cuts deep and characters we can see ourselves in. In 2006, South Korean director Bong Joon-Ho did just that with The Host, a film of transfixing power that used the concept of a beast rising from a river of toxic waste (America’s fault) to invade the very notion of family values. It’s on DVD. Check it out.”

In other words, Cloverfield sucked because the monster wasn’t a direct result of America’s actions and t doesn’t attack family values.

Somebody please deport this guy.

(Please notice that not once in this post did I use the term “liberal”. This was not a conscious decision; I just realized it. Don’t let them tell you otherwise; conservatives hate America just as much as liberals. It’s just harder to see when the government is run by conservatives.)